Welcome to my dream journal
It's actually more of a diary
It's also not fully formatted... but it's juicy, I promise!
4/?/26
Dream:
Soon after I started putting this site together, I dreamt that I had really moved to San Francisco! I was escorting this older man to the grocery store who seemed interested in me. I knew he probably knew the way to the grocery store, but I think he just wanted to hang around me. Then the whole city went dark and cloudy, and he turned into a very batlike vampire, all wrinkles and nostrils, and he flew away. Outside the grocery store, they were using one of the big trash cans like an umbrella holder, and it had to have had fifty different translucent umbrellas. As the sun was coming back out, I noticed that laying on the ground was this raincoat I must have owned when I was little, because it had endless trinkets I seemed to remember from my childhood, and it made smile. Next to the raincoat I realized my child self was sitting there, freshly born. My skin was way darker than it actually is now, and my hair was sun-in blonde. I watched myself grow in sort of a time lapse, and when my skin turned pale and my hair deep brown I felt really relieved, as if I didn't know it was me before.
Themes: My city, meeting men, transformation, childhood
5/2/26
Dream:
I've been dreaming of finding more queer people for a while. I'm not in a particularly small or conservative city, but being a STEM major doesn't put you in very many settings where people want to express themselves. It's all business around here. All work and no play.
The Waking World:
I thought some power from beyond finally had mercy on me when someone new came to the club lab activity. They were androgynous and had cool hair, and they weren't really my type romantically or sexually, but they were visibly non-binary and that just a breath of fresh air sometimes. I love and crave the company of other trans people.
However, this person just got way too close to me way too often, and they said a lot of things that got on my nerves. Everything they did seemed innocuous enough at the time, but I was quietly becoming really bothered and really uncomfortable. A lot of the things they did and said were things my awful ex fwb would do, and it's a very specific kind of personality. Anyway, here's a list:
- Unprompted, they said "I work here too." I never told them that I'm a student employee. They're an art major. I work in the STEM building. How would they have found that out? Do people just know that I work in the STEM building?
- I explained the reaction we were doing to them, and they said something like "right, science, THAT'S why we're here," sort of suggestively. Like how people say they watch an anime "for the plot." Which was. Rude. And that's all before anyone else got there.
- Once the lab started, one of the first things they did was use my lab coat to wipe soap off of their hands. Out of nowhere. They didn't rub their hands down my body or anything, they just kind of wiped their fingertips on my coat. Still, really rude.
- Then there was a lot of them standing way too close to me, way too frequently. It was suffocating. I kept having to physically move away during the whole lab. Any time I was cleaning something, they'd move to put themselves in a position where we were cleaning progressively closer to each other. At one point, I was clearing off the whiteboard, and I started from the left side and was working my way to the right side. They started in the middle of the board and worked their way left towards me, so I ended up backed into a corner, while half the whiteboard behind them still needed to be erased. I went around to the other side of the board, started on the right, and was working my way to the left. They just started working towards me again from the middle until we knocked into each other. And they did the same thing at the bench tops too.
- Now this is what was really setting me off. They kept trying to ""playfully"" argue with me about absolutely nothing at all. For example, I had some empty, dried up little bottles of dye. The box said they were water soluble, so I thought I'd put some water in the bottles just to see if I could rehydrate them or something; they were going to be thrown out anyway. Apparently this is a huge faux-pas in the art department or something.
Unprompted, they went, "You're not supposed to do that." Quite forcefully. Immediately I'm reminded of my argumentative ex-fwb.
I explained I was just trying it out to see what would happen, that there wasn't really anything to lose.
They just responded, "But you're not supposed to do that," over and over, no matter what I said, as if I hadn't said anything at all. They never explained what I was actually "supposed" to do.
- They straight up asked me if they could use my lab coat to wipe their hands again. I was already super activated at this point, and when I get activated, I just end up saying whatever the fight-or-flight animal of my brain thinks will get me through the social interraction the fastest. So I just said yes. It was just as weird the first time.
- I was writing my name on a piece of lab tape to label my product.
They were like, "can you write me hmmm... five of those?"
Not wanting to play into their awful argument game, I played dumb and I said, "Are you products all in the same area? Because then you really only need one label."
They respond, "Hmm... no, I need five! :>"
And again, this puts me in a position where I either have to repeat myself for no reason, ignore them like an asshole, or just write the labels. And the activated animal in me saw writing five labels as the fastest way out of unnecessary conflict. So I just wrote them five labels. That they obviously didn't need.
Then they go, "You spelled my name wrong!" They have a common, four-letter name that you seriously can't fuck up. And I told them I saw their name on the sign-up sheet. But again, I'm playing dumb without even thinking about it to defend myself from the unnecessary conflict they're trying to impose onto me for the sole purpose of their personal, sick entertainment.
So I play dumb, I say, "Oh, how do you spell you name then?" They just stared at me blankly. They didn't even know what to say. A small win for City Boy, but my ex-fwb would do exactly these sorts of things all the time just to get a rise out of me for attention. They were constantly putting me in a position where suddenly there was a "playful"(??) argument where I'm getting put down or goaded over nothing, I'm given no quarter, and suddenly have to defend myself. My ex-fwb said it was their way of flirting, of making conversation. To me, it felt like I was a caged animal at the zoo they're a kid throwing rocks at me to try and get me to flip out for their entertainment. Like bullying, almost. It seems harmless but I don't even have words for how much I hate it. It's a mind fuck. I've known this person for an hour and a half and I already hate them completely.
- and then when they realized they couldn't even fit all of those labels where we were storing our products, they stuck the remaining three on my sleeve. Laughing. How do strangers just think it's okay to touch you out of nowhere?
- They heard we were having an end of the year event for all of the STEM clubs to say goodbye to the ones who are graduating. They asked me specifically if I was going to be there. They have no interest in science, but they're coming, and they're bringing elotes.
Needless to say I felt terribly uncomfortable and just angry. Some of you might be thinking "Why didn't he just ask them to stop?" And I absolutely should have, and next time I will, but at an event where everyone was joking and having fun, it felt like I was overreacting. I had no idea why I was getting so upset. And I didn't want to be the guy to yell at the new person just for being a little awkward, and have everything get serious all of the sudden. I talked to three other club members that night including my best friend, and thankfully they noticed some of that behavior and they said they'd look out for me, which was a huge relief. But lord, why do I always attract the crazy ones? Where are the sane ones?
5/3/26
Dream:
I had two dreams last night. In the first dream, I dreamt I had a trucker boyfriend and I was helping him renovate this van. He's about a head taller than me, and he has big, soft arms. We were trying to renovate the van so we could live out of it, and it was way bigger on the outside than it was on the inside. Mot f it looked like a high-class kitchen for some reason.
Themes: trucker boyfriend (yes, he's reoccurring), renovation
The Waking World:
My alarm woke me up at 6am, and I keep my alarm in the bathroom to force me to get out of bed. I remember as I was stumbling through my room I kept telling myself, "Don't forget, you have contact paper to smooth down! Smooth down the contact paper!" It's Sunday, so I went back to sleep.
The Dream Again:
When I went back to sleep, all of my friends that I play DND with were occupying my childhood home, which I was visiting. I was tasked with taking care of their cat, even though I was probably the only one there who's never had a cat. I take a nap in the dream, and when I wake up, everyone is saying the cat's ear is scratched and they're blaming me. Next I have to go give the cat it's medicine, and I have to fill this denture looking thing with paste and put it in her mouth. She's very calm when I do this, but as soon as I leave the cat's room, everyone yells at me saying, "Go take the thing out of her mouth, she's gonna choke!" When I walk back in, and granted, I've only turned my back for like 5 seconds, she somehow managed to get stuck in her little cat tunnel and the denture thing is nowhere to be found. CLassic stress dream.
Themes: childhood home, cat, stress dream
5/4/26
Dream:
I'm dreaming of an awesome website!
The Waking World:
In my life, I'm a very cerebral person, and even though I think very deeply, I can have a hard time accessing my emotions and desires. I was initially compelled to make this website on my journey to becoming a more well-balanced person. I wanted this to be a place where I can express and explore the parts of myself I hold back in real life. I've only recently started giving my emotional and intuitive side any space to breathe. Part of that is my personality, and another large part of that is where I live. I don't know enough queer people! (But I'll be moving to San Francisco in a year!!)
Well, that's not entirely fair. I know a lot of queer people, just not hardly any trans people, and being trans is really isolating, especially when you're gay too. I have this feminine energy because I am a gay man, but to a lot of people, they think my femininity comes from me being trans, and it's unbearable. It's absurd doing all of this transitioning only to keep wanting to hide who I am. Its really affected my self-perception. For example, I've only recently accepted that I'm a bottom, even though its clearly been right in front of me my entire life, I just kept trying to push it away so I could be the most """"legitimate""" verson of a man, the kind of man people are used to seeing, so they won't deny me (even subconsciously).
Anyway, as I keep making this site, I keep imagining what a less anonymous website would look like too. See, conveying information and providing resources are really important to me. It was actualy zines that brought me to neocities in the first place. I made a zine for the first time recently, an environmentalist zine, and it was super rewarding. I made copies for everyone I know, and I got to hand out a bunch at an on-campus event too. It was terrifying, because it was the first thing I made in a long time that wasn't purely academic, and I was worried people would think it was silly. But people loved it, they loved seeing something made with real effort by human hands in the age of AI. Expressing my creativity in real life, myself even though it was hard, was definitely a growth moment for me, and I want to do more of that. I want to provide resources that get people back into doing things in real life, in their real communities. I want to go to local events and write reviews, or post resources for local meetups, how to get off your phone, highlight local zines, share my own, something more grounded in real life.
But then where would the private stuff go? The feelings, the desires, my queerness. Where would I put that? Can both of those things live in the same place? Can I express my deeply personal queer experience on the internet, while sharing so much local information that it would be hard to remain anonymous, hard to even want to remain anonymous? Do I really need to share my deeply personal queer experience on the internet? Do I have to have two websites? Do I even have time for that?
I don't know yet. Maybe by the time I get a hang of HTML, I'll know.
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